Late People

I am a late person. I go to bed late. I sleep in late. I arrive late. I stay late. I work late. I eat late...

I set my alarm clock forward by an unknown number of minutes (close my eyes, hold the minute button, try to ignore the change) so that I think I am running later than I actually am, so that I hurry to get ready. I push the snooze button at least 5 times before I ever get fully out of bed. My alarm clock has an extra long nine minute snooze, so this equates to at least 45 minutes of snoozing. This requires me to set my alarm at least an hour earlier than I actually plan on getting up. I have to have a clock radio (regular buzzer alarms won't wake me), and the volume on the radio has to be full blast (or else it won't wake me). My wife uses a normal moderate radio volume to wake her up, which I never hear. Then she resets it for me and turns the volume all the way up. Sometimes in my snoozing period I will unwittingly turn the alarm off, dreamily thinking that I am getting up, or that I am pressing the snooze button again. This invariably transforms lateness into absence. Once I'm in the truck, the clock there is set several minutes forward as well, just to add a little more pressure to my drive.

My dad never uses an alarm clock. He just automatically wakes up at 6am. Even if he doesn't want to. He can't help it. He is an early person. He goes to bed early, wakes up early, arrives early, leaves early... Early people annoy me. And I'm sure I annoy early people. Just ask my dad.

I think it must be genetic. I am adopted, so I didn't get the early gene from my dad. He can't help being early. I can't help being late. I have come to accept this. Yes, even embrace it. I am predetermined and predisposed to lateness. It is who I am. I am Ken. I am late.

From our earliest days (no pun intended), we are conditioned to view late people negatively. Lateness is punished. Late people are discriminated against. We are called bigoted names like "lazy" and "sleepyhead". We are passed over for promotions in our workplaces, given demerits and detentions in our schools, treated as second class citizens...

Well no more. It is time for the Late People of the world to rise up in unity together and demand equal treatment. No longer will we accept the chides and jeers of the early people. No longer will we accept the negative myths they propagate about us. God has made us Late People, and we will be PROUD!

10 comments:

sean said...

"I am Ken. I am late".

Classic :)

I'm one of those early people that your parents warned you about. The majority of the time I'm always 10 minutes early to things, or at least right on time. It is weird though once you start thinking about it; how people are predisposed to be one way or another. I know plenty of people who can't help but be early, and plenty who can't help but be late.

I don't know if it's genetic or not, but it certainly is odd :)

Sarah said...

This is your sister, and YES you are a late person. Freakishly late. Dad, freakishly early. This post, freakishly funny. Hope all is well!

Your early sister,
Sarah

ConnieJ said...

I stand with you!!! I hate mornings....life should not start before noon...THAT should be morning.

Ken said...

Lunch = Breakfast.

SHRINA said...

Oh what a glorious post! (As I sit here on the computer at 1AM :). You took the words out of my mouth, I even emailed the link to this particular blog to Rodney to show him how beautifully you stated exactly what I've wanted to say to defend my habitual lateness to my uber punctual & ultra responsible hubby so many times. Once he actually left me to drive myself to church after threatening to do so many times prior and after I failed to show up at the car after few warnings, errr...honkings that is. Heh heh. After avoiding taking an 8AM class for 3years, I finally bought an automatic coffee machine to help me roll out of bed for a boring lecture class at an ungodly hour on my senior year. Gah! Late people unite! Yay!

Kathi said...

I had the clock in my car set 10 minutes ahead so that even if I thought I was late, I never really was. Hey, at least it made me feel better.

Brian threatened to change it back to it's original time - I just gave him dirty looks and said he better not try it. It would throw me off.

mel said...

I LOVE IT!!! I am so glad to see there are "others" like me. Rick just doesn't seem to understand the whole clock thing - and the inability to go to sleep at what everyone else tries to demand is a normal time.

Ken - you are so great with words and explinations. Just love it!!!

tarbsmommy said...

That's great! I'm a late riser but then rush to be on time!! Doesn't always work out the best!! :D

anna said...

Well... it seems I am late to be commenting on this! Like a year late... oh well. I used to be early, my mom was always late, in high school if I needed a ride at 4 I'd tell her to be there at 3, she was mostly on time for the 4 o'clock pick up. Then... I had children! Now I'm late, or abscent, they are both older now, but I'm still late... so wait a sec!! Does this mean I'm becoming my mother?!?? Uuggghhh!!

Charles Pergiel said...

I am arbitrarily not going to link to more than one of your posts today. I'll save this one for another day.

"I am Ken. I am late." I am one with your lateness.